Finally I find back all the user name n password of my blog after a long-hard-trying speculation for any passwords I had. Today, by the end of the Holy Month I will restart a new life ... again ... after undergoing pretty much hassles ... ups and downs ....
I need to figure out all the ups n downs of my life ... since the last time I wrote my post, especially about my devotion as a muslimah. After the shocking home-return syndrome, I had been searching for the right, following the previous guide to see some one to fix my life. But it was so unfit till I find my Ummi who can control my wild nature. I was so fully engrossed in her spiritual atmosphere, her caring and understanding. I couldn't believe myself I could be so fired up to help and to support her mission to be the 'candidate' in the election. I felt so peaceful living in such spiritual condition. My feminism approximation was managed to the right path thru the 'S' organisation (read: I could mention the name). I'd been joining some poltical workshops, and meeting important people and contributing to the party-affiliated-youth group for any occasions. It's all about the spirit behind her noble attitude which is ended to the supplication to Allah.
However, here and now ... it's been totally different. My time was not enuf to get along with her and the mad'us. I've been straying away ... further and further away ... from Allah's protection. It's so painful for feeling not so intact during the Ramadhan. The beginining was when I change my job to the full timer thingies. As if my time was not enuf for all of those things. I am pretty glad having this job that I can still actually take care of my baby every day. On one side, this is really steady and secure and make me feel a little grown-up - that makes me stop adventuring. on the other side ... the buddies there I enjoy getting along with do not support me to the suplication, and the access to the cyber world is so vastly unpredictable - this is part of big contribution to my ups and downs.
The new world give me a big change that now I regret. The change that give me some excitement and sorrow. It'z so excited seeing all the people I know from the past but the excess ... was way too far interfering my peaceful life .... My mind is full of questions especially the 'whys'. Why You give this to me Ya Rabb? .... Is it the ordeal that backlashing to me coz once I unintentionally said something not nice and arrogantly challanged my self.
Reflecting back to all what has happened ... let's surrender and give it up all to HIM ... this is all happend due to His will.
This might be similar to the feeling ... Somewhere I Belong by LP
I had nothing to say
and i get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(i was confused)
and i live it all out to find, but im not the only person wit these things in mind
(inside of me)
but all that they can see the words revealed
is the only real thing that i got left to feel
(nothing to lose)
just stuck hollow and alone
and the fault is my own and the fault is my own
i wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real
i wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.
erase all the pain til its gone
i wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.
i wanna find something ive wanted all along
somewhere i belong
and i got nothing to say. i cant believe i didnt fall right down on my face
(i was confused)
look at everywhere only to find.
it is not the way i had imagined it all in my mind.
(so what am i)
what do i have but negativity
cuz i cant trust no one by the way everyone is looking at me
(nothing to lose)
nothing to gain im hollow and alone
and the fault is my own
and the fault is my own
(Chester)
I will never know myself until i do this on my own
cuz i will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
i will never be anything til i break away from me
i will break away. ill find myself today
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